doctor says to male lyin in bed in hospital.. ive good news and bad news.. man says give me the bad news first.. doc says well im afraid ur illness has gone to far and uve only 3 or 4 days to live! man says well whats the good news???? doc says do u see that blonde nurse over there with the big boobs, im riding her!

NOW,
ME!..ME!! ME!!!

....................
There's three old men on a park bench.
The first old man says: "I have the WORST problem"...
"every morning around 7 'o clock, I wake up,
walk over to the urinal. And try and take a piss.
for FIVE minutes and NOTHING comes out"...

The second old man says "I have an EVEN WORSE problem.every morning at 8 'o'clock I walk over to the toilet and try and take a shit. For TEN minutes I sit and NOTHING comes out!!"

The third old man says "I have AN EVEN WORSE problem. Every morning about 9 'oclock I take the BIGGEST PISS and the BIGGEST SHIT you have ever SEEN!"
The other two men scratch their heads and say
"what's so bad about THAT?"
He says-
"I don't get up
till ELEVEN!!!!"


keep 'em comin' Dubliner
and Ill follow suit...

This one's called: THE IRISHMAN WHO LAID THE SHEEP....

There's two Irish men sitting in a pub.
The first Irish man says to the other:
"hey Tommy, do ya' see that bridge over there?"

Tommy--"yeah, I see it".

"I LAID it. Board by board. I LAID it.
But do they call me 'The Irish Man Who LAID the Wooden Bridge' , Tommy? NO, they DON'T!!!"

A few minutes pass and the Irish man turns to Tommy again:
"hey Tommy, ya' see that brick wall over there?"
tommy--"yeah, I see it."

"I LAID it. Brick by brick, I LAID it.
But do they call me 'The IRISH MAN Who LAID the Brick WALL' Tommy? NO, they DON'T!

But, ya fuck ONE sheep!!!!!!"......

classic! ng2gb im from ireland and this reminds me of a story of a man from my village where i lived most my life.. around 40 years ago this guy was walkin home from work with his mates and steps on horse shit! he turns and says to his mates 'fuck ive stepped in horses cowshite!' every since hes been called cowshite or his full name cowshite reilly! even his family ae called the cowshites!!

3 men land at the gates to heaven and are met by saint peter.. peter says i see by my report that you were all killed in the same building all at the same time??? what happened says peter.. the first man replies well i live on the 11th floor, i was on my balcony watering my flowers and i slipped! as i fell over my railings i grapped hold of them, i was pullin my self up when this guy standing next to me throws a fridge at me from the appartment above and knocks me to my death!! is this true saint peter asks the second man?? look he says i live in the apartment above, i come home early to find my wife naked in the bed and out of breath.. i searched my apartment for a man and when i looked out my balcony i see this guy hanging there! i presumed he was bangin my wife and was making a getaway so in a fit of rage i pick up my fridge and fired it at him! unfortunatly i lost my balance and fell to my death! saint peter comes to the third man and says so whats ur story?? the man replies.. well there i was, all innocent, sitting in a fridge...........

BAD MOUTH JOHNNY JOKES...
An elementary school teacher is going through the alphabet teaching children new words.
She begins with the letter 'a';
"ok children, what word begins with the letter 'a'?

right away Bad Mouth Johnny shoots his hand up.
the teacher says to herself "I can't call on him. he'll come up with some bad word".
suzy raises her hand..."i know! apple, apple begins with the letter 'a'!"
"very good, suzy".

"ok children 'b' what word begins with the letter 'b'?"
right away Bad Mouth Johnny shoots his hand up.
the teacher once AGAIN thinks to herself, "I can't call on him, he'll come up with some bad word".
little mary raises her hand "I know, boy, boy begins with the letter 'b'"...

The teacher goes ALL the way through the alphabet like this with Bad Mouth Johnny raising his hand every time.
Finally she gets to the letter 'r'
and thinks to herself "well, I can't keep NOT calling on Johnny. He can't possibly come up with a bad word with the letter 'r'".

"yes Johnny. What word begins with the letter 'r'?"
Bad Mouth Johnny BELTS OUT:
"I know! I know!
RAT begins with the letter 'r'.
A big FUCKING rat,
with a COCK this long!!!!!"

doctor says to man in hospital bed.. ive good nws and bad news... man says give me the bad news first.. well says the doc we amputated the wrong leg, after we had removed it we realized and amputated the other one! mans says so whats the good news??? doc says see the man in the bed next to u? hes offering a good price for ur slippers!

A man's wife ALWAYS complains that he never tells her he loves her.

So, one day the man goes out and gets
the words: 'I Love You'
tatooed on his Wang.
Later at home that evening his wife says:

"STOP tryin' to put words in my MOUTH!!!"

BREAST IS BEST

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother. "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that"
.
The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".

The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"

Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"

A Farleys Rusk is a baby type teething biscuit for you Americans,ie woman thought her luck was in.

Chucky--what is "farleys rusk?"...............

These two nit-witt, red-neck, farmer boys (Moe & Joe) decide to take a road trip...

A ways down the road there car runs out of gas. So they walk to the nearest farm house and explain the situation to the old man of the house asking if they can stay the night and go fetch for gas in the morning...
the Old man says: "that is quite FINE. I 'a Only have 'a ONE condition: ya' don't 'a sleep with my daughter!".
Moe & Joe look one another dumbfounded, but agree...
In the middle of the night, the old man's daugher climbs into Moe's bed. they start fooling around...
one thing leads to another
-AND-
the old man's daughter asks Moe:
"do you wan't to be with me?"
"why, 'a golly sure I wanna be wit ya'!"
"well, you don't want to get me pregnant do you?..., so, HERE put this on"
He puts it on

-AND-

Moe and the daughter do their thing...

A little later the daughter climbs into Joe's bed.
They fool around. Then the daughter says to Joe:
"do you want to be with me?"
"why, SURE I wanna be wit ya, GoLLY!"
"well, you don't want to get me pregnant do you?...here, put this on"...
He puts it on
-AND-
Joe and the daughter do their thing.....

The next morning Moe and Joe get up, go get some gas and are on their way......

About FIVE YEARS LATER Moe and Joe are
out in the field working on the farm
and Moe turns to Joe and says:
"ya' rmember dat time we were stuck in dat farm house?"...(recounting the story)...

"remember that farm girl?"
Joe--"yeah I remember."
Moe---"well I don't care if we get 'er pregnant
do you?"

Joe-- "no!"

Moe---"well, then let's take these DAMN things OFF!!!!"

An American Indian little boy is sitting by the camp fire with his father, looks up at him and asks: "fad'R, where do IndiAns get der' namEs from?"

the father looks down to the child
and says:
"well, son Indians get der names from the
first thing the mother sees when she gives birtht to the child".

"like Rising Sun, when his mother
gave birth to him
she looked up and saw the rising sun
and said 'hence, I shall call you Rising Sun'."

"or like Flying Eagle. When his mother gave
birth to him, she looked up and saw a flying eagle and said 'hence, I shall call you
flying eagle'".
"why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"....

A woman will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head, a beer belly sticking out and still think they're handsome

What do turtles and blondes have in common? If they're on their back, they're screwed!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman named Alba went to a fake gynecologist named NG2GB.

NG2GB took one look at Alba and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told Alba to undress. After she had
disrobed NG2GB began to stroke Alba`s hair. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," Alba replied, "you're checking for any hairloss
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
NG2GB. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," Alba said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady NG2GB.
Finally, he mounted Alba and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes which is why I came
here in the first place."

AH-HA-HAHAH-AHAHAHAHAHH!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BAD MOUTH JOHNNY JOKES....................

the elementary school teacher is playing a game with her class.
she blind-folds a child, hands them an object,
and allows them three guesses to figure out what it is.....

First Up:
Suzy.
The teacher blind folds Suzy
and hands her an apple.
Suzy feels of the apple
and says: "I know! It's an APPLE!"
"very good" says the teacher...
Second Up:
Mary.
The teacher blind folds Mary
and hands her a pear.
Mary feels of the pear
and says: "I know! It's a PEAR!"
"very good" says the teacher...
Third Up:
Scott.
The teacher blind folds Scott
and hands him a piece of chocolate.
Scott, feels of it and says:
"ah, I dunno?"
The teacher feels bad, and suggests that he smell it.
he smells, but
STILL he says:
"ughhh...I dunno?"
The teacher feeling VERY
sorry for Scott suggests he
put it in his mouth; still
Scott says: "ughhh, I dunno?"

FINALLY the teacher offers a hint:
"it's something your mother gives your father before they go to bed".

Bad Mouth Johnny Belts out:
"SPIT IT OUT SCOTT!!!
IT'S A PIECE 'A ASS!!!!!"

Hi ng2gb
You were up late,did Alba have a puncture and it took a while to patch her up.
Keep the jokes flowing

quote:

Originally posted by chucky:
Hi ng2gb
You were up late,did Alba have a puncture and it took a while to patch her up.
Keep the jokes flowing

LOL! Chucky, NG has cornered the market on the Alba dolls. Always out of stock thanks to NG.
I he pops one, no time to repair , he justs pulls out another from the harem.

There's two old men on a park bench...

one says to the other:
"Im so old! Im so old I can't even remember how old I am!"
the other one says:
"I bet I can guess how old you are,
but you have to do EXACTLY as I tell you."

"ok".
"stand up and pull your pants down".
old man complies.
"now PULL your underwear down".
he pulls underwear down.
"NOW, stick your THUMB up your butt!!"
old man sticks thumb up butt.
"NOW, bend over and start oinking like a PIGGIE!!!"
he bends over and starts oinking like a piggie...

"YOUR 93".
the old man astonished remembering his age and that he was correct says: "that's amazing how did you know that?"

with a smug look, he responds:
"you told me this MORNING..."